There are times when no one else can take this step of faith with you. You know it is personal; it goes deep. Ultimately, it is your decision and yours alone to trust God and surrender. You sense it is a big decision and you find it hard to let go completely. You already partly let go but this is where you need to die. You do not need any more signs and wonders to believe – no, you must just believe! Once and for all!
The desire to be cleansed is huge. The Holy Spirit has evoked a godly sorrow in my heart – I am at the threshold and I realize I never want to go back to my old life. I do not want to live double-minded before the Lord. I desire to be clean.
See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.1. Corinthians 7:11 NIV
“God, if I can’t hear your voice right now because I am not willing to hear, would you just speak louder for me? Would you just shout out to me what you are saying?,” my desperate cry as I am walking outside on a Sunday afternoon. I close my eyes to listen and there! I hear Him loud and clear: “I love you, my child!,” and He continues, “I am desiring you! I want you!” I see Him there, standing further away on the opposite side of what seems like a dark valley of death between us. I know it is not real but only in my imagination. It is my fear and unbelief that make me dread the crossing.
Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.John 12:24-26 NIV
So what now? Actually, we both know. God and I, we both know that I am going to take this step. I am going to cross over because He believes in me and is for me. I will die, only to be resurrected again. He is going to catch me as soon as I jump!
You were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.Ephesians 4:24 ESV
I do not want to hold onto my ways of coping with the emotional pain inside of me any longer. This inner child inside of me, crying out that she wants to be loved, is growing still before Him, to trust Him when He says He loves her. And the fretting goes because she finally sees! She shouts back to Him, “I trust you, God! I know your voice. Meet me there, Abba. I will jump for you. Because I know You will catch me.”